I must be too annoying 4 u.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
