Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
