we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you will always have a special place in my vag
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need to wash the frat house off of me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
