This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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