I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
