Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Ketchup is God's man juice
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
