I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
