I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
