I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
