I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dick very happy bro
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