at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
