How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
