You're completely useless in the revolution.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
