Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
