Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
