She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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