Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
