We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
