If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
