Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
