One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
