My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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