I cannot find my penis.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
