idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
