my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
