Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks