i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far