seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I spit up blood this morning
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?