Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.