but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list