hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?