I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
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I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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