so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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