If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
