mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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