mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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