12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
