What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
