Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
