We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
