I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
