When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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