You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
