He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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