I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
