Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
