You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
