Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
