My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
