hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
