def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
