My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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