I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
