That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
