I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
What drink are we having for lunch?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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