eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
