My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Sacagawea was the original milf.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
