i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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