I think I won the penis lottery.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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