Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
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He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
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I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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