What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
