i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
