I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
