paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
